It’s not unusual for a nanny to be hired by a couple that has stepchildren who visit regularly. The stepchildren may be from the father’s or mother’s previous marriage, or even come from both.  Although the family issues that come with divorce must be dealt with directly by the parents, there are ways in which a nanny can help. Here are some things a nanny can do to help everyone involved successfully navigate and enjoy visits by a stepchild.

Welcome the child as a member of the family. Too often, stepchildren who don’t live with their parent or step-siblings full-time feel like a visitor rather than a part of the family when spending time at the parent’s home. Even the language points to “visits” and “visitation.” However, nannies who are aware of this issue can take steps to make sure the children feel welcomed as a real part of the household.

Give the child a space of his own. A nanny can work with parents to create a private space for the child. If the family lives in a large house, the stepchild may be lucky and have his own room. Even if he doesn’t, the child can still carve out his own space in the guest bedroom or a shared bedroom with a sibling. By adding personal items and favorite colors, it can feel like it was created just for him. Often times, a nanny has more time than a parent to add these personal touches.

Apply the same rules to everyone. Although kids may like getting off easy for breaking the house rules in the short run, in the long run it makes them feel like an outsider. It also makes step-siblings resentful over the special treatment. A nanny should make sure her limits and expectations apply to all children equally. A stepchild shouldn’t be allowed to do things the other kids can’t simply because he’s there’s so infrequently. As in every situation, it’s important to tailor limits and expectations to meet the age, temperament and abilities of the child, but overall it should feel like equal treatment for all involved.

Encourage connections between siblings. Some step-siblings have a natural connection with each other and love spending time together. In some cases, they may even get along better than full siblings. However, other step-sibling relationships can feel forced and uneasy. The children can feel they’ve been thrown together by circumstance rather than similar interests or matching personalities. There is often tension over who gets to spend more time with a parent, who gets special attention or one on one time or other issues that naturally arise in blended families. Nannies can plan creative projects, field trips or home activities that appeal to all the children and encourage interaction and connection.

Stay neutral between parenting parties. When working for a blended family, it’s easy for a nanny to get pulled into the ups and downs that can come with divorced parents. Unfortunately, being part of the emotional challenges of blended families doesn’t help the children involved. By staying neutral, a nanny can be a trusted source of comfort and support to the visiting stepchild. She can talk about each parent involved in a positive and affirming way. She can show the child that it’s OK to love and care for both parents and that taking sides isn’t a necessity.

Understand the unique needs of the stepchild. The children of divorce, especially those that live with one parent full time and visit the other at regular but short intervals, have a unique set of needs. By understanding the challenges that these children face, the nanny can more effectively deal with them. By recognizing how the family situation can affect behavior issues, school issues and friend and family relationships, the nanny can connect with the child and they can work together to solve the issues he faces.

Handle the logistics of the visit. Often, when parents continue to experience conflict after a divorce, the simple details of a visit can be a challenge. A nanny can step in, with the parent’s permission of course, and handle the arrangement of when, where and how. She can serve as the neutral coordinator and make the transition to and from the visit non-eventful. This will help both parents involved avoid additional conflicts and also help the child begin and end his visit on a happy and peaceful note. This tone can make a huge difference in the overall experience. When the child doesn’t have to worry about the conflict that normally comes with drop-offs and pick-ups, he can simply enjoy the visit from start to finish.

Blended families bring added complications and joys to family life. A nanny who is sensitive to the family’s needs can be a huge help in successfully meeting the challenges that come up.

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